It's just me, Cindy

September post- ( a draft that got left behind)
Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it feels like life is living me, instead of me living it. I feel like I can't quite catch up. I'm always one step behind, there's always one more load of laundry to do. Of course that could be due to the fact there are 5 girls living in my house.

But maybe I have created this business myself. Maybe it's my personality type to never let myself slow down all the way, maybe I thrive on juggling and multi-tasking my kids and my life. Perhaps we feel more important or validated when we are busy. I used to enjoy being alone with myself...now it's so foreign to me. Silence-a finite commodity in my world-but it might be subconsciously self-inflicted. I feel somewhat talented when I can assist homework, cook dinner and nurse all at the same time. But I think I'd enjoy each one more if I could just do one at a time. I love the days when I create a chance for me to just spend one-on-one time with one of my girls.

I keep trying to slow down time. I want my kids to just freeze in time and stop moving on to the next stage. I know they say it gets better and new fun with each stage, but I'm thinking I like this infant stage the most so far. Maybe all us moms just have our best niche where we fit and mine is with pre-vocab babies. All my girls are fun though; I do find myself wishing I had more alone time with each one to just hang out with them and get to know their little personalities even more. But it is so sweet when my baby looks me right in the eye as she's happily nursing and gives me a big grin... it just melts my heart. Maybe she doesn't realize how utterly adorable and lovable she is to me, but her smile makes me think she feels it.

Bethany just wants to be near. She has a tender spirit. I can't look at her wrong, let alone talk crossly to her. But she's a good girl. Today I was making an attempt to exercise before the baby started crying, and realized sweet Bethy had precariously perched herself on the couch trying to stand and reach my hair while she sucks her thumb. This because I didn't allow her to stand in front of me on the exercise bike, for safety reasons (and I couldn't see my movie.) So instead of scolding her to leave me alone, I scooted my bike back and moved the laundry basket that was in her way so she could comfortably use my hair and her thumb at her liking.

Alyssa and Abby are changing so fast, growing up and taking on responsibility at school and with their piano lessons and dance classes and soccer. I am a real soccer mom! Well, I don't have to carpool a minivan full of kids, we just walk down the street to our big park, but still. I just feel lucky to have these sweet kids in my life. I feel grateful to be part of this crazy and happy and dramatic and imaginative family of mine, David included. Even if he is a Nacho Libre fan.